7.00pm The National Anthem

The Olympic Ceremony’s cursory nod to Her Majesty the Queen, performed in under half-an-hour by tribute band Take That, That, and That You Naughty Boy (All 107 new verses will be performed with help from the Jehovah’s Witnesses).*

*CENSORSHIP WARNING – May contain references to the sins of masturbation in verses 3-109.

7.30pm Sense of Fair Play

In the ceremony’s opening event, a guest appearance from Margaret Thatcher disguised as a pantomime horse, should get the show up and running with a gallop. Lady Thatcher will be wheeled gently over to the centre of the Olympic Stadium by her two closest friends, Michael Heseltine and Arthur Scargill, before being bent over double and tied to a post. Her bare bottom will be presented to a group of over 200 blindfolded ex-coalminers, who will then attempt to ‘Pin the Tail on the Donkey’, so to speak, using an official Olympic javelin.

(This event may over-shoot.)

8.00pm Stiff Upper Lip

Team GB’s athletes each take turns at the microphone to read a paragraph from the script of Eastenders; The Movie.

Will they make it past the first page without crying?

This is the question that no-one is asking.

8.15pm The British Cuppa Madison

Live from the Velodrome; several thousand members of the Women’s Institute (WI) feed each other cheese and pineapple on sticks, mount a Penny Farthing each, before cycling feverishly around the Olympic Velodrome in an assortment of pre-determined directions.

Then follows the dismount, after which cups of tea are served at a very reasonable 50p per cup (70p with digestive).

8.16pm Blitz the Fritz

No sporting event in Great Britain could be held without the expression of some kind of anti-German sentiment, and what better time to shame a nation than at an Olympic Games Opening Ceremony. In true British fashion, the spectators will be encouraged to shout anti-German slogans* such as “Kraut”, “Sausage Chomper” and “Who Won the War?” at the German team. Alternatively, for the Under 18s, Spitfire and Lancaster modelling demonstrations** will take place near the Under 5s at the sand-pit.

*Programmes with official London Olympics 2012 anti-German slogans can be bought for £2500 from the foyer before the ceremony begins.

**Please bring your own Airfix kit.

11.01pm The X-Ecution Factor Final – A Very British Grassy Knoll

Presented by two life-like puppets of Ant and Dec and featuring the voice of Keith Harris, Simon Cowell and other similarly piss-poor celebrity programme producers, The X-Ecution Factor sees the presenters argue amongst themselves as to who should be shot first from the eager contestants.

The winner wins a coffin worth £1 million pounds, and in the fundraising ‘for good causes’ capacity of the Opening Ceremony, proceeds from the sale of the winner’s estate will go directly to the British Olympic Association.

11.10pm The Lambeth Walk

To the catchy tune of Noel Gay’s ‘Doin’ the Lambeth Walk’ (Me and My Girl 1937), famous Cockney people such as celebrity Eastender’s stalwarts Barbara Windsor and Patsy Palmer will join Prime Minister David Cameron by leading the world’s greatest athletes through the world’s greatest walk – choreography will be directed ‘on stage’ by ballet guru Wayne Sleep.

All athletes will be expected to sing with ‘fakkin East Landon’ accents, ‘aw’ight’. Those spectators who are still awake at this time, will be encouraged to join in with the singing too.*

*See Official Programme for lyrics.

11.33pm Elton John & the Morris Dancers

Now we’re talking. Elton John will make a guest appearance dressed in a stunning jacket created by art designers Gilbert & George from the mediums of closely woven dog shit and litter found floating in the Thames. His role will be to introduce 5000 Morris Dancers individually by name, before asking them in no uncertain terms, to leave the stadium.

There will be no actual dancing thank God.

11.55pm Car Boot Sale

Feeling slightly guilty for encouraging the UK to spend, spend, spend, Gordon Brown grabs the bull by the horns and sells his wordly goods to help get Britain out of debt – the spectacle of the day for those spectators who have been lucky enough to have died of boredom.

3.00am FINAL EVENT The Lighting of the Olympic Torch

Exactly who will light the Olympic Torch will remain a secret until the big day itself – but Spitting Bullets can reveal that London 2012 will showcase the world’s first fighter plane ever to be used as an Olympic Torch.

Celebrating the achievements of RAF engineer Frank Whittle and his incredibly British contribution to the invention of the jet engine – a decommisioned Harrier Jump-Jet will be positioned nose first into the ground at the centre of the Olympic Stadium. As everyone awaits the arrival of the last London Olympic Torch bearer – the sound of gunfire, recorded from a WWII Vickers Tank will play over the sound system.

When the Olympic Torch is lit and the Harrier’s engines roar* – the games will officially commence!!!

*Spectators and Olympic athletes are reminded NOT to intefere with the fuel line running from the car-park to the Olympic Torch, under ANY circumstances.

Book Tickets for London 2012

Visit the official Olympic Website to book your London 2012 Olympic Games Opening Ceremony tickets early to avoid disappointment:

http://www.tickets.london2012.com/

Alternatively, if you’re too late, go to:

http://www.ebay.co.uk/

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